Dumbo Chronicles #1 – Flat Earthers

By John Ceccon

I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I’m no dummy either. I have spent most of my engineering career surrounded by other engineers, Naval Aviators, and scientists in the world of military aviation and space technology. Based on that, I feel that I have a fairly accurate baseline for what “smart” is – or at least, what I consider it to be. I’m generally try to NOT beat people up about their stupidity, but sometimes, this can be a challenge, especially since I’m a comedian – enter Flat Earthers. Flat Earthers may be among the dumbest and most comedically interesting people on the planet, with sovereign citizens nipping at their heels. I will admit that there are a few conspiracies that I’m on board with. If we’re talking about the assassination of JFK, 9/11, Roswell and UFO’s, I’m all in. Flat Earth? Nope!

The flat Earth conspiracy revolves around the accusation that we have been purposely lied to about the flat Earth, and apparently there are millions of people in on it – maybe even your mom. This conspiracy goes back to a time before Jesus. I blame Pythagoras – he was a really smart Greek philosopher guy. It was around 500 BC that Pythagoras first suggested that the Earth was a sphere. Then, in 240 BC, another really smart Greek guy, Eratosthenes, actually figured out how to figure out how to measure the Earth around the equator and created the lat/lon system that GPS is based on. Dude – this conspiracy runs deep.

WHY? OH WHY?? Of all the Krap “THEY” lie to us about, why oh why would “THEY’ lie to us about the flat Earth? Lied to us about JFK – I understand that. I don’t think Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone either. They lied to you about 9/11, I get that too. Terrorism is good for the military-industrial complex, we need a footprint in the Middle East, bla bla bla. UFO’s? Even the military now admits they are real. No one will ever know the extent of involvement of the JFK or 9/11 conspiracies. Not gonna happen. They can release all the Freedom of Information Krap they want and we STILL will never know. Deal with it and enjoy THOSE conspiracies.

The shape of the Earth is easily provable. BUT, and this is a big but. In order to prove that the Earth is a sphere, you have put your faith in all those stupid conspiracy scientists. My proof, listed below, is the evidence. As much as these people bother me, I can’t get enough of them. I’m like a Flat Earther crack-head. They’re like a three-legged dog and I can’t look away. It’s like a moth that is drawn to fire and I’m the moth. I won’t go into a long diatribe on how deluded these people are because I could fish out of that pond for months, so I’m going to be like FoxNews and just report, you can decide. Here are some of the main tenets of the Flat Earth delusion. And, I didn’t make ANY of this Krap up.

NASA, all governments, the military, the CIA, all pilots and airlines, all ship captains and cruise lines, Roscosmos (the Russian space agency), CNSA (the Chinese space agency), JAXA (the Japanese space agency), Space-X, ESA, all astronomers, and astrophysicists are collectively part of a massive conspiracy to hide the fact that the Earth is flat.
- Because thousands of people can keep a secret
Antarctica is actually a giant ice wall that keeps the oceans from spilling over the edge of the flat Earth. This wall is guarded by government people who have guns and will shoot you if you try to climb the ice wall to see what is on the other side.
Nobody knows what is beyond the ice wall because it is impenetrable. We’ve been to the moon, been to the top of Mt. Everest, but we have no idea what is on the other side of the ice wall.
- Wait a minute, they believe the moon landing was fake. Oh friggin snap!
There is no south pole.
- I’m glad they didn’t pick the north pole because that would just create a Santa Clause conspiracy.
All photos of the Earth taken from space are fake.
All photos of astronauts floating around in space are fake.
We’ve never been to the moon or space, and we’ve never sent probes to Mars.
- Because we like to spend hundreds of billions of dollars to maintain a ruse.
There is a dome over the Earth that prevents us from getting into space.
The moon and sun are the same size – 32 miles in diameter.
Gravity doesn’t exist.
- Apparently, Sir Issac Newton was wrong or smoking a ton of weed.
There are plenty more too. I can’t get enough.
- Comedy comes in many forms. This is one of them

Any one of these ridiculous assertions on their own is enough to make even a 5-year-old kid with a severe learning disability go “these people are stupid.” Obviously, I have a fascination with stupid people, most comedians do.