Weed Weed Weed Pt. 1

Doctor, I Need Weed

By Phred F. Stone

As of this writing 21 states have laws on the books legalizing Marijuana for medical use. During the 2012 presidential election, Washington and Colorado became the first two states to legalize weed for recreational use. In my home state of California, medical marijuana is the latest continuing craze for stoners. Just the suggestion of marijuana becoming readily and legally available for any reason makes pot smokers giddy with the possibility of possibilities. Proponents of the drug claim that it has calmed the suffering for millions of patients, treating everything from hangnails to AIDS. Can you say wonder-drug? Opponents of medical marijuana claim that it is an insidiously addictive gateway drug with no medical application whatsoever. Addictive gateway drug indeed!

I can guarantee you that nearly everyone who has smoked marijuana regularly for at least 25 to 40 years will tell you that it is not an addictive drug. How much more proof do you need?

Back in the good ol’ days of Cheech and Chong, Height Ashbury, hippies, and Woodstock, there were only a few types of marijuana available to the public at large and they all had names that kinda-sorta told you where the plant was from. You could choose from tasty treats like Mexican Dirt weed, Colombian, Panama Red, Jamaican, Acapulco Gold, Thai Stick, and a few other ridiculously unoriginal names. It was like a geography lesson in weed. Hey class, can you guess where this Panama Red comes from? How about Thai stick? Most potheads don’t even know where Panama or Thailand is.

Fast forward a mere twenty years later where some capitalist stoner genius, possibly with a degree in botany and/or marketing, came up with the concept and culture of medical marijuana, medical marijuana patients, medical marijuana door-to-door delivery services, and more medical marijuana dispensaries in California than there are Starbucks. Pot as medicine? Sold in neighborhood storefronts and vending machines? And delivery services too? And this person didn’t get the Noble Prize for excellence in botany or just being a marketing guru? WTF? What’s next, prostitutes as medicine? Why not? I can see it happening in the near future.

Columbian Gold and Panama Red are nowhere to be found anymore. Thankfully they went away with disco music and bell bottoms. Now you can fog your brain with the chronic likes of Purple Urkle, AK47, Train Wreck, Green Crack, Bubba Kush, and Cat Piss. Yes, I’m still talking about medical marijuana. Only potheads can come up with names like these and still expect the rest of the non pot smoking world to accept marijuana as an actual medicine. Viagra is a pill that makes your penis fill up with blood, but it sounds official. It sounds like a real drug with real benefits. The makers of Viagra didn’t give it names like, Dick-so-Hard, or Boing-Goes-the-Cock. Viagra sounds like a drug that would be covered under a prescription drug plan for a small co-pay. Cat Piss? What the hell does Cat Piss cure? My cat pissed in the corner of my studio the other day, and it smelled like……………well………..cat piss. I thought I was going to vomit. Why would I pay somebody my hard earned cash for that?

Oh doctor, I’m depressed, gimmie weed. Oh doctor, I have pain in my uvula, gimmie some weed. Doctor doctor, I have a hangnail, I need some weed. A new need for this “medicine” emerged which gave way to a boom of people who decided they wanted to be weed farmers. The end result was dozens of new strains of incredibly powerful marijuana with ridiculous names that had nothing to do with the “medicine’s” country of origin or what it may or may not do for and to you.

The inventor of medical marijuana probably had parents who squandered their life’s savings so he could go to Cal Poly and study engineering with the hopes that he would someday become a rocket scientist. He’s a rocket scientist alright. He’s going to help launch you, me, and anybody else with depression or a hang nail right to the friggin moon…………maaaaan! Well, I decided to throw my hat into the mix of marijuana farmers and came up my own new strain of medical marijuana that everybody will love. Why not? I went to college. I got me one of them engineering degrees. I’m smart and innovative. I think I can come up with something just as good as the stuff these other brainiacs are growing.

It would be green, and gooey, and sticky, and it would have little red and white hairs growing on it just the way really good medical weed should be. You would see the buds from this plant featured on the cover of High Times magazine, maybe even a centerfold with a couple of pot sluts laying naked on top of the stuff. It would be dank and have little droplets of glistening green nectar oozing from it just like all the others. It will be nasty, it will be funky, and it will be dripping with medical marijuana goodness. I decided that I would call it Yeast Infection. You can cringe all you want, but if potheads are buying Cat Piss for $60 an 1/8 ounce, they will surely buy Yeast Infection and most likely pay a premium too.

Patient: Doctor, I have some green stuff oozing out of my vagina.

Doctor: Looks like you have a yeast infection. I’m going to write you a prescription for some Yeast Infection.

I did a stand-up version of this bit on-stage once and a pothead came up to me after the show and wanted to know if I actually had some weed called Yeast Infection and if so, was it any good.

Some critics of medical marijuana have branded it as a gateway drug, useless for anything other than illicit activities, and to that I will partially concede. I will admit that marijuana is, in fact, a gateway drug, but it’s not what you think. The opponents of medical marijuana would have you believe that once you take a hit from that bong and you take that evil medical marijuana smoke into your lungs then you are going to gateway to much more powerful drugs. These people want you to believe that you are going to gateway to a poison like heroin, then you are going to gateway further to crack or meth, then the next thing you know, you are going to gateway to a back alley in some shit hole neighborhood where you will continue smoking …….. on some guys cock for drug money behind a dumpster. Dumpster diving for cock? All that from a hit of pot? Gimmie a break!

Sorry, but I don’t think it works that way. I used to smoke a ton of marijuana back in the day, but I never passed through the gateway to the meth zone, or the heroin zone, or the 20 dollar dumpster cock zone. However, I would gateway straight to an all night taco stand, or a nice harmless box of Captain Crunch while watching South Park reruns.

ON A SERIOUS NOTE!!

I fully support the legalization of marijuana for medical and recreational use. Just the fact that booze and tobacco, two highly addictive drugs, and all the problems associated with them, are legal and available everywhere from drive-through liquor stores to 711’s makes me crazy. Talk to any person who has struggled with addiction about gateway drugs and they will tell you that the first two GATEWAY DRUGS they ever consumed were tobacco and alcohol – not marijuana.

Remember, nobody has EVER died from consuming Marijuana – nobody……..EVER!