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A brief history of the United States

By Phred F. Stone

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Recently, that redneck “America, love it or leave it” battle cry was thrown in my direction by a cowboy hat wearing, big truck driving gentleman as I expressed my opposition to the wars in Iraq. He tried, and failed, to make me feel un-American. I felt a duty as a real American to educate him as too what a real American really is. These quasi-American ingrates apparently don’t understand the difference between criticizing our government and criticizing the United States of America. Let me explain.

Disclaimer: given the average I.Q of your average “Love it or Leave it” redneck, this piece is written on a 5th grade reading level. I’ve tried my best to dumb it down as much as possible so even the people who think Elvis is alive or Obama is a Muslim will be able to understand it. 

In the beginning, the only thing occupying this piece of land we now call the United States was a bunch of people who wore feathers and shot arrows. They practiced true freedom. Then, in 1607, a big boatload of white people from England crossed the Atlantic and landed in what would eventually become Jamestown Virginia. Next, in 1620, another big boatload of white people from England also crossed the Atlantic and landed in Plymouth Massachusetts. We now know those people as The Pilgrims. They’re the reason the turkey population of this country takes a node-dive every year right around the last two weeks of November. Both group’s were British citizens who decided to leave their home because they had had enough of the oppression and tyranny imposed on them by a bunch of elitist dicks – the British monarchy, who also forced them to wear horrible white wigs. The settlers of 1607 and 1620 just wanted to come to a new land and experience this thing you may have hear of – freedom

lexOnce the British settlers actually settled in, life was good…………at least for a little while. Their only worry was the occasional run-in with those feather wearing, arrow shooting people who had no idea that someday a baseball team in Cleveland would be named after them. Eventually, word got back to the monarchy in England that this place was the shit and prime for exploitation. It wasn’t long before all the bullshit the settlers left behind in England also crossed the Atlantic right behind them and …………well………….here we go again. (fleets of big boatloads of white people crossing the Atlantic) Oh yeah, the French decided they wanted a piece of the action too, and they started coming over in droves. Eventually the settlers, the Brits, the French, and the feather & arrow people were fighting each other over control of this new land and in the end, the Brits pretty much controlled everything. The Brits then attempted to impose the exact same oppressive tyrannical control over the settlers as they did back in England and turned this place into a carbon copy of the motherland. That’s right. This used to be England – keep that in mind because it’s an important component of this rant. Well, the settlers got tired of that shit and created their own army and fought the Brits. Did you get that? British citizens fighting the British government? Can you say revolution? This used to be England!

1776They even had the balls to name the north-eastern part of this country New England – HELLO! This used to be England, and we used to be British citizens.  

Yes, I know history is boring, so let’s cut to the chase.

Here is the important part, and it’s really really important too. The foundation of America is based on this simple fact – the settlers, who were British citizens, rose up, overthrew the British government and formed the United States of America. These people effectively renounced their British citizenship by kicking the British governments ass and then renamed themselves Americans. A group of American citizens then wrote this thing called the Constitution of the United States. The constitution spelled out what the government was, how it would be run, who would run it, what powers it did and did not have, and most importantly, that the people were in charge, not the government. That’s why the first three words in the constitution are “We the people“. The United States would be a government by the people and of the people. 

A few years after the Constitution was written, James JamesMadisonMadison, who was one of the founding fathers of the United States, introduced this thing we know as the “amendments” to the constitution, or the Bill of Rights. The very first amendment reads as follows: (we’ll get to the others on another rant)

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Let’s break it down so, once again, a complete idiot can understand it. Yes – complete idiots have rights too! I can guarantee you there was at least one idiot among the founding fathers – every microcosm has one. And, yes, this does tie back in to my original point – if you haven’t already forgotten it.

  • Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion. Translation – the government can not endorse any religion. This is commonly known as separation of church and state. Atheists use this one to give Christians heartburn
  • or prohibiting the free exercise thereof. Translation-freedom of religion. The government can not tell you what religion you can or can not practice. Yes, this covers voodoo, Scientology, and even Islam too. 
  • or abridging the freedom of speech. Translation – freedom of expression. You get to express yourself any way you want. This includes words, pictures, Yoko Ono’s art, rap music, and even burning the United States flag if you so choose.
  • or of the press. Translation – this is freedom of speech for the press. The government can not tell the press what they can print or report on, fact or fiction. How do you think tabloids get away with printing articles that say Krap like “Obama slept with Jihad crazed transsexual wolf boy.”  
  • or the right of the people to peaceably assemble – Translation – any group of people can assemble for a rally, protest, demonstration, or any other type of gathering, just as long as it’s done peacefully. When you don’t do it peacefully and your gathering turns into a riot, then the police get to come in and peacefully beat and mace your ass into peaceful submission.
  • and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. Translation – you have the right to complain to the government about anything without fear of reprisals. Lobbyists abuse the Krap out of this one. 

​​Now, the way I see it, (and apparently the founding fathers too) not only is it your right as an American to talk shit about our government, IT IS YOUR DUTY AS AN AMERICAN. People on the right will talk shit about those on the left and people on the left will talk shit about those who are on the right. Then, you have people like me who are in the middle – we don’t want any part of the left or the right – we talk shit about both sides……..then stay home on election day.

So, next time you you are talking shit about George. W Bush, or Obama, or gun control, or gay rights, or abortion, or anything the government is doing and some guy with a big pick-up truck and a cowboy hat says to love America or leave it, point out two things, 1) that you are just being a true American, 2) that he is the one that should leave it. 

AMERICA, I LOVE IT

Copyright John Ceccon 2013. All rights reserved.

 

About Phred 21 Articles
Phred Stone is the alter ego of John Ceccon who takes no responsibility for the rantings of Phred.